End of the World Party

 Written by Joe the Revelator

My Fellow Americans,

I come before you humbled by the task we now confront; of rebuilding this great nation, after the most monumental disaster we've faced this century.

Blame will not be assigned. Fingers will not be pointed. Our scientists, as well as other academic institutions from around the world, were in concert that our world would end on December the 21st, of 2012. This was not disputed.

Now I ask that we join hands, in mutual forgiveness and in prayer.

Let today be a new, proud day for all of America. A day when slates are wiped clean. And a full, global pardon will be issued for any and all crimes committed on the 21st of December. Let us put yesterday's mistakes in the past.

For those capable of returning to work, to your families, and to your homes, I beg you to do so. For those of you who are not crippled by end-of-the-world hangovers, those not trapped under stolen sports cars - wrapped up in highway guardrails or waiting for the response teams to free you from several tons of flaming steel wreckage - please continue to support the America we've come to know and love.

As I gaze out on the White House lawn today I see a magnitude of hope in the eyes of my countrymen, standing among the bits of a downed passenger plane that plummeted from the sky last night whilst joy-riding, and the vast field of plastic, red solo cups, sticky with beer. I see beyond the soggy TP'd trees and toppled news stands, and the naked vagrants who have yet to wake from their drunken slumber, and those who may never waken. I look beyond the folly of our predictions, and I see a promise. The promise of a new, bright future, built upon the rubble we've amassed after one night of wanton, cathartic debauchery.

And I stand before you not without blame - I myself was found earlier this very morning, unconscious behind the wheel of a stolen police cruiser, in the ladies' department of a Walmart. Likewise, my running-mate of this last month was arrested when his migrant workers reported him for forcing two of their staff to fight to the death, firing pistols at their feet like a "Bandito", as they claim, to motivate them. Without condoning or condemning his actions, I say to him; "Welcome to the New America."

We have a lot of tough times ahead of us. And the national debt, which was daunting before, may seem like a beast of impossible size once we've received the cleaning bill. But there's nothing for it but to roll up our sleeves, chase away the rummy blur with a triple-shot of gumption, and get back to work on making this great nation the best it can be.

Note: Sorry I haven't posted in a while guys, been a little busy. Figured I'd do a little speech with my prediction of how the end of the world will turn out. Well, actually, the "morning after". Next time I'll be back with a review  - Joe.

The Horror Movie Extravaganza

It's that time of year! Spooky stories, evil children, deranged clowns... Halloween ushers forth scary movies in all of their splendor, keeping kids up at night. Grown men become unwilling to make that 2am trip to the bathroom for fear of being set upon by demons. Yes, I refer to myself there, but in my defense I haven't had to do that since college. Shut up! It's a long trip to the dorm bathrooms at night!

Anyways, to honor the season I decided to take upon myself the exciting and potentially insane task of watching a number of the scariest movies I could lay my hands on. The criteria? I wanted to target movies that I hadn't seen before, and ones that have made top ten or top twenty-five lists of best horror movies out there. My plan? To watch and then review them here. Not a full review, mind you, but enough to get a sense of how good they were, what they were about, if they are worth your time, etc. I speak in the present tense because I write this before watching any of them and, as I watch them, I'll review them one by one so they are fresh in my memory. Also noted at the end of each mini-review will be an account of any disturbed sleep, bizarre dreams, or any freaking out that occurred after watching each respective movie, because I just know everyone will get a kick out of that.

Now, without further ado, the first on the list!

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Insidious

Picked from a list of the top horror movies on Netflix, Insidious is about a family who are perpetually haunted. They keep moving from house to house, keep seeing creepy shit, and can't seem to catch a break. We then figure out that it isn't the houses that are haunted, it's their eldest son who has mysteriously fallen into a coma. Yes, that might be a spoiler and its a pretty major plot point, but if the movie poster thinks its unimportant enough to say exactly that in the movie description, then I think it's fair to ruin it here too. OWNED. Anyways, Insidious then takes a very interesting path involving dreams, demonic possession, psychics, ghosts, and more!

My thoughts? This movie was awesome and well worth seeing. Did it scare me? Not really. I think the problem was the subject material: I am simply not scared of exorcism/possession type movies because I find the concept completely ridiculous. I will say that the subject is intellectually interesting (the different demons, the specifics of how one exorcises, the fighting of the subject to mentally overcome the spiritual obstacle), but frightening? Nah. But Insidious definitely kept me hooked, and its dwelling on how the family could overcome the evil was quite engrossing.

Also worth noting is that this movie has quite an undercurrent of humor throughout. At one point, a hapless comic duo of psychic investigators shows up to help out, and they are such a bunch of nerds that its hard not to laugh at what they do. They help prevent the movie from being a total Debbie downer, which is nice. In addition, there were a number of moments which were so surreal as to be more unintentionally hilarious than disturbing. Case in point, what the hell was up with the demon's house? Hell, anything to do with “The Further” reeked of funkiness. Good funkiness, mind you. Is there such a thing as 'good funkiness'?

Creepiest moment in the movie: Why won't anyone shut the curtains over the fucking windows?!

How Disturbed was the Loon: I'll admit, there was a moment when making lunch where my back was to a window and I checked a couple times to see if there was anyone watching me through it. There wasn't. Regardless, I moved to a position where I could face it. This movie and windows... *shudder*

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Poltergeist

This movie was actually mildly disappointing. It wasn't that it was bad, by any means, it was more that I was expecting to be completely freaked out after watching it. In all of the 'Top Horror Movie' lists that I'd read through, Poltergeist was supposedly so scary that the people writing these lists wouldn't even describe any of the scenes that were in it; apparently, they were that disturbing. I expected this to be the crown jewel of all the horror movies I would watch. … But then I saw that it was written by Steven Spielberg.

I'm sorry, but Steven Spielberg's brand of horror utterly fails. This is a movie where a tree attacks a kid and then gets inexplicably sucked into a tornado; the events are so far-fetched and the 'CGI' so kiddie that it's hard not to laugh at it all. So I did. From the squeaky-voiced psychic to the demon head in the closet, it was just impossible to take seriously. It wasn't a bad movie, by any means. It just inserted that Spielberg-ian sense of wonderment and magic that clashes too hard with a horror film. There was one moment where I felt a bit disturbed at what was happening on screen, but that was a moment where you could only hear a character panic but not actually see what was happening to them. The best horror movies have more of that: scenes where you don't entirely know precisely what form the horror is taking and thus have to have the imagination take over.

Creepiest thing in the movie: What the hell is happening to that dude's face?!

How Disturbed was the Loon: I didn't think this movie would affect me at all but then, when visiting a bathroom in a school building, I nearly jumped thirty feet in the air when the plumbing made a slamming sound after I turned on the sink. I won't lie; I half speed-walked half-sprinted from that little encounter.

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[Rec]

Now the Loon starts getting into some really creepy shit. [Rec] is a Spanish-made found footage type film about a reporter, her cameraman, and a crew of firefighters investigating a mysterious late night call in a tall apartment building. After they show up, increasingly weird things start happening, the tenants seem a bit off, and then they start attacking the firefighters. For reasons unknown to us, the Spanish police decide to cordon off the apartment, locking the firefighters and the reporter and her group inside. They then have to do their best to survive with the few remaining normal tenants within a warped hellhole of an apartment where everything just starts going very wrong.

Now, zombies don't really tend to scare me in horror movies, but whatever the fuck those things were in [Rec] were a whole 'nother level of disturbing. In fact, it wasn't even that the 'zombies' were bad, it was that found footage feeling that you were there and going through the same trauma as the characters you were watching. This movie is full of nasty, nasty moments. What's fun (and also disturbing) is that I learned that there is enforced method acting going on. The actors didn't even know in many of the scenes what exactly would happen, often making their terrified reactions very real. Possessed children coming out of nowhere, corpses falling down stairs, characters unexpectedly turning hostile... These are things that the actors had to deal with out of nowhere!

Creepiest thing in the movie: The Madeiros Girl. What. The. Fuck.

How Disturbed was the Loon: The weird nightmares began. I don't remember exactly what happened in them, but I remember fighting zombie dogs in one. Which is odd, as they aren't even zombie dogs in [Rec]. I also walked home reallllly fast after watching it. Screw it. You would too.

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The Others

Oh, man... This movie...

The Others is about a mother living in a mansion in the middle of nowhere with her son and daughter. A small family of caretakers move in with them. Then things start going strange.

The Others is sadistically designed to fuck with you. The kids have a disease that makes it so that light is harmful to them. Thus the light and the dark become scary. In addition, this movie really likes to mess with the viewer. Usually in a horror movie you expect that something bad is about to happen when the scary music in the background reaches a crescendo, but there are multiple times in The Others where it has that music pop up, only for nothing to happen. Its jump moments come when you least expect them, and the combination of the music's tricks, the uneasiness of everything going on, and the great acting of Nicole Kidman make it so that you are in constant tension. What's more, it is never exactly clear what is happening or why, which contributes the fear of the unknown on top of everything else.

What made this movie especially enthralling for me to watch was the fact that Nicole Kidman's character behaves precisely as she should in such a situation. I don't recall a single moment where she does something that I would not do if I were in her shoes. This is SO RARE in a horror movie. Because she's responding to the situation as rationally as she can, this makes what happens to her and the children all the more disturbing. Similarly, her daughter is absolutely fearless, which makes for an interesting situation when there are things happening that she should be frightened of, but isn't. This is a movie where the characters and their stories really got me into it.

Creepiest thing in the movie: The goddamn doors.

How Disturbed was the Loon: Things got worse. I watched this in my home alone and then went to go take a shower after. When I got in and turned on the light, the bulb flickered. I shut the door and almost thought to lock it (despite there being nobody else in the apartment), but then decided against it because I didn't want to lock myself inside. During the shower, I admit to opening the curtain from time to time to peer at the door. This movie and its fucking doors. Afterward, I left home as soon as possible and went to work early so I didn't have to sit around the quiet, empty apartment by myself.

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The Descent

And then shit got even worse...

Being a fan of hiking and reasonably well-learned when it comes to movie know-how, I knew ahead of time that The Descent was probably going to freak me out. However, because I knew before watching that it involved monsters in a cave, I figured that that knowledge might sap any suspense from the movie. I also hardened myself against the idea of being so disturbed that I wouldn't want to go hiking afterward.

It didn't help. Not one fucking bit. The Descent was far more scary than I thought it would be. The freaky goblin creatures were one thing, but it was really the concept of being stuck in an unexplored cave that really got to me. Even with friends, that would be incredibly harrowing, and watching the bonds of trust between the girls crumble was awful to watch. This was so emotionally draining that throwing the creatures into the mix just made my brain go into OVERDRIVE. Some nasty, nasty shit goes down in this movie. Simultaneously, the girls kick a surprising amount of ass, making you root for them to get out alive. But, instead, they fall further and further down a slippery slope to madness and carnage.

So do I want to go hiking now? Fuck no! Thankfully, it's cold in Portland now, so that wasn't an attractive prospect to begin with. Still, the mischievous side of me likes the idea of watching this with a group of friends and then going to explore Ape Caves. Perhaps that will be a fun and potentially traumatizing idea for next summer!

Creepiest thing in the movie: Any scene with falling into a hole. Having nearly done that myself, seeing what happens to the characters that do is horrific.

How Disturbed was the Loon: As this is the last movie for this little blog event, it's the last thing I'm writing. I haven't had time for it to sink in and disturb me. Given how it involved a cave, I sort of doubt that I'll be particularly frightened by everyday life and all. But who knows? Perhaps the accumulated terror of having watched five horror movies in a short period of time will snap my brain into crazed overload. Time will tell...

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Conclusion

I wanted to watch more, but given that today is Halloween and I really won't have time to see more movies over the next few weeks, I figured I'd let it go for now. Others that I wanted to watch but will have to wait for a future list: The Grudge, The Omen, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Halloween.

Which of these movies was the scariest? It depends on what you're looking for. I found The Others to have the most unsettling atmosphere and scares brought about by getting freaked out by the atmosphere. By contrast, [Rec] and The Descent tied for the most intense and gory affairs. Insidious was probably the most conceptually interesting. Poltergeist was a mix of the most disappointing and the most entertaining. Thus I feel like every movie here had an excellent part to play, and succeeded in freaking the Loon out quite a bit over the past week!

Any recommendations for next Halloween are always welcome. I think I might watch some Disney movies now to regain my sanity.

8 Halloween Movies for the Easily Scared

by DionysusPsyche

Only one of these makes the list

When celebrated properly, Halloween is a great holiday. This means candy, costumes, parties (if you're social), haunted houses, pumpkin patches, corn mazes (okay, where I'm from, this is a thing), and scary movies. Any combination of these in some form of participation means that you're doing something right. Combine all of these for a potentially awesome holiday.

Beyond the holiday itself (which doesn't appeal to everyone as per the conversation I had about two weeks ago), let's get down to the real deal. Scary movie marathons. Now, some people don't like scary movies, and some people love them. There are people who would watch fright flicks every night of the week. Living for the thrill. Going to bed scared. Or just getting a rush or laughing and sleeping it off. Other people hate these films. They feel squeamish or adamant about not watching them. The aura of evil soaks up everything in the room, and it's downright terrible experience which will result in sleeping with the light on for days and weeks and jumping at nothing. They've also no doubt had someone grab them while watching one, and subsequently this ass hat got added to the List of People Who Suck.

I fall in the middle. I don't love scary movies, but I think that Halloween has some pretty essential films that make the holiday great. So when I watch movies on Halloween, I pick them pretty carefully, and make sure the people I'm with make me feel safe.

Warning! The below mentioned films are not all for kids. When I say “Easily Scared” that does not imply children as I know kids that are braver than many adults. However, kids can watch about half the movies I mention. Seeing rating scale for particular film to judge.

Scream

Scream was the first scary movie that my friends convinced me wasn't scary that lived up to their claim (I was twelve). They were always egging me on (and I was scared of freaking Hocus Pocus, mind you!), and even fell asleep while I watched Tommyknockers alone at 3am. But I digress.

Sidney, played by the super foxy Party of Five, Neve Campbell is still getting over the murder of her mom. They live in a small town, so everyone knows about it, and the media is still covering it. It's coming up on the anniversary of her death. But is the killer really put away? The town issues a curfew when two people from the high school end up dead.

This means all the popular kids have a party at a huge house with underage drinking to celebrate the shut down of school for the investigation.

Why This Film Applies

Sidney defies early fright film main characters (which is explained by one of guys in the movie in case those at home are not familiar with the classics). She's tough, kick ass, and can take care of herself. She's also smart and sassy. Plus, it includes some awesome actors such as Matthew Lillard, Courtney Cox, David Arquette, Drew Barrymore, Henry Winklet, and Rose McGowen.

This movie is both hilarious and spooky with some of the best scary movie lines. It's the “where's the killer?” movie, but you can still go to bed in relatively okay fashion. It also has some sexy and romantic moments. Now divorced, Courtney Cox and David Arquette who were together for quite some time, met on the set, so while their romance feels real, it actually is real. Plus, David Arquette with a 'stache playing a country cop is just fun.

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

Kick ass characters. Weapons. Brains. There's a cop handy. Your mom's not a whore.

Nightmare Before Christmas

This is a children's movie, but it has good lessons. Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King lives in a world of Halloween. His fellow town folk spend 364 days a year prepping for Halloween to make it the most EPIC holiday ever. Yet, Jack has done this too long. He's growing tired of his job. He longs for adventure and newness.

That's when he falls into Christmas Town and decides that he and Santa should switch shoes and try out each other's lives.

Why This Film Applies

Although creepy at times, this cartoon is not as scary as some of the childhood movies I watched that weren't intended to frighten kids (Fern Gully and Secret of Nimh anyone?). There's romance, humor, and Jack is a great protagonist. He's lost that loving feeling, and Christmas brings him back to life taking the rest of his cronies along with him. It was inventive back when it was released, and I still love it today.

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

Singing and dancing. Cute little goblins. Also, it's a cartoon about a made up world.

Shaun of the Dead

They made it as a parody romance film, but this is a film about zombies. While all zombie movies are about the conformity of society, consumerism at its worst, and being a herd of sheep, this humorous romp takes it to the next level.

Shaun (Simon Pegg), dumped by his girlfriend Liz (Kate Ashfield), lives with his best friend, Ed (Nick Frost), and is stuck. He goes to the same pub, drinks the same beer, and hangs out with the same friends. He is more or less a zombie, as are the other characters. Yet, Liz wants Shaun to get off his duff, get serious, meet his mum, and move forward. Shaun and Ed's other roommate wants Ed to move out. And Shaun...can't do anything. Not until there's a zombie apocalypse.

Why it Applies

The first zombie they assume is “drunk.” Shaun and Ed are the ultimate duo. They make the end of the world so funny that the first time I saw the film, my best friend and I were doubled over with laughter during some of their back and forth wit. If I don't watch at least part of this movie every Halloween...well, I don't know what would happen, but I can't NOT watch it. Killing zombies becomes a skill and a sport, and Shaun the “do nothing,” becomes the unlikely, fearless leader of a band of friends. There is even a cameo by his old shared television series (Spaced) actress, Jessica Hynes.

Shaun of the Dead gives you hope that when the zombie apocalypse comes, you, the blob, directionless goon will fly into action and start throwing your bad records (No! “that's the first one I ever bought!”) at zombies' heads, save your mum, your best friend, your significant other, and outwit the brain-hunting fluff monsters.

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

We just went over that. You're the unlikely hero. Now there is some gore, but it's not that bad. It's okay enough for Ed to take pictures, so I think you're safe.

The Thing

Not sure why Kurt Russell looks like a depiction of Jesus, but he wants you to "stop, collaborate, and listen"

Kurt Russell and his team of crack scientists are stuck in the arctic doing research when a...a...thing takes over the unit. It slowly infiltrates, but the gang is basically ready. In fact, they can study it while they kill it! Double bonus for the smarties out there!

Why it Applies

Kurt Russell uses a blow torch a LOT. This is awesome. I distinctly remember a rollerskating dude. It's psychological, because you're not sure who to trust, but do you ever know who to trust in a scary movie? In addition to being a good Halloween classic, this film is prepping you for all the winter parkas you'll need to wear and the snow that's coming (unless you live in the South or a Southern Hemisphere continent).

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

It's eerie, and there is one part that's really intense, but other than that, it's a good movie. Kurt Russell totally has your back. Just don't go to the arctic, and if you do, always bring a blow torch.

Arachnophobia

More lessons in weapon use

Unless you have a really bad case of the above mentioned, you can watch this film. If you are deathly afraid of spiders, then move to my other suggestions.

A wild spider sneaks its way into the U.S. and mates with regular barn spider to create...super babies! Jeff Daniels, who hates spiders has to face his fear of them when his house (farm?) is overtaken with them.

Why it Applies

Again, you're on the edge of your seat and creeped out, but unless you're really afraid of spiders, it's just a thriller. Jeff Daniels has to overcome his fear, and that's all of us. If I remember correctly, I think 8-Legged Freaks scared me more than this did (and that's the parody), but it's been awhile.

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

You can kill a spider. If you watch the making of this movie, it makes the movie itself less frightening. The main spider is basically one of those grabber/reacher puppets. Spoiler alert...the spider DOES jump out of the fire. Just be prepared for that.

Jurassic Park

The outstanding graphics of the '90's still hold up over time

In case you hate spiders (and because Jurassic Park is a must-see), let's exchange them for a currency of dinosaurs! Billionaire philanthropist creates a park on an island with dinosaurs which have been made from the juices of a frozen, Mesozoic (era?) mosquito. A bunch of people, including Jeff Goldblum, fly to the island to experience and judge the park to help with logistics before it's opened to the general public.

Why it Applies

Jeff Goldblum is a big-headed actor. Sam Neill and Laura Dern and a couple of kids try to survive the dinosaurs when they get trapped in the park. But Neill and Dern's characters are the Indiana Jones of dinosaurs. So they can totally do this! I just wish Jeff Goldblum was in this movie more. Although, his character is annoying, so maybe not.

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

They can't actually bring dinosaurs to life. Newman is in it (he's more likely to sit on you than you are to come in contact with prehistoric creatures). If you get scared, you can watch the Rifftracks version with Weird Al.

The Addams Family

They're creepy and spooky, but they don't keep you awake after you see them. In fact, they're touching, especially Thing, their pet hand. This is a kids film, but Gomez and Morticia Addams (Angelica Huston) are romantic, their kids (Christina Ricci could not be more perfect as a creepy little girl) are charming, and Gomez's brother (Christopher Lloyd!) has returned to the family.

Why it Applies

A happy romp that goes hand in hand with Nightmare Before Christmas, this is Jack and Sally's future.

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

This is one film that hits the nail on the head. Every family is different, and they may be odd-looking, but they're wonderful at parties.

Alien

Classic film about space aliens starring Sigourney Weaver, the mother of all alien movies. Investigating a nearby planet, a team of space researchers uncover a signal that's meant as a warning.

Why it Applies

Okay, okay, it does get a little bit scary at parts, but again, that's mostly just gore. It's more psychological than anything. Weaver rocks in her role, and you're on her side. Close the mother [bleep]ing doors! You've been exposed. No need to risk the lives of others. Which brings us to a quandry: when do we help our teammates and when do we let them die in space? (Also a question for watchers of The Thing.)

Why it Shouldn't Scare You

Why are you going into space to find aliens if you're afraid of this movie? Answer: if this movie does frighten you, just don't take the job. Problem solved.

The Best and Worst Break up Films

by DionysusPsyche

The Best

1. 500 Days of Summer
   This is one of the films where having an anonymous voiceover doesn't feel out of place. Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Summer (Zoey Deschanel) have different ideas about love and dating, but when Summer breaks Tom's heart, he relives the past year in an attempt and find out what went wrong.
   
   Why it's Great
   The film does an excellent job of not making either character "the bad guy." It shows you that both these people are awesome, and their chemistry is just alive. The film is fun, and even when it's sad, it's still really good.
2. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
   Peter (Jason Segel) tries to put his past girlfriend (whom he works with) behind him by going on vacation. Unfortunately, Sarah (Kristin Bell) has picked the same location.
   
   Why it's Great
   Everyone sooner or later has to deal with seeing their ex with someone else, but sometimes it feels like when we try to escape them the most is when we're forced to resolve the person we thought was The One. The often vulgar humor clashing with Pete's morose mood and frequent crying is amusing, but Jason Segel's character being a composer makes it even better, because it makes us remember how awesome we are. Pete gets to put his dream at the forefront, which helps us say goodbye to all the Sarah Marshalls that don't deserve us.
3. High Fidelity
   Based on the book by Nick Hornby, this is John Cusack as his best as Rob Gordon who goes back through all the lists of women (like he would any album) that he's loved and how they've broken his heart.
   
   Why it's Great
   This is the mother of all break up films, which dissects each major relationship resolving why Rob shouldn't get back together with any of them, and how it's actually his fault that he screwed up the only one that could have worked. Plus, Rob yells at his ex, "Charlie! You fucking bitch! Let's work out." A sentiment that I'm sure a few of us are familiar with.
4. Better Off Dead
   Lane Myers (yes, Cusack again) decides to kill himself after his girlfriend, Beth (Amanda Wyss), breaks up with him for stereotypical jerky jock.
   
   Why it's Great
   It shows teenagers lamenting their love lives in prototypical dramatic fashion of saying that life just isn't worth it unless you're with the girl you're obsessing about. The under appreciated actor that plays Booger from Revenge of the Nerds is in it. There are competitive racing scenes. Ridiculously awesome and weird one-liners. Take your pick.
5. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
   Joel (Jim Carrey) goes to a specialty brain surgery clinic where he undergoes a procedure to wipe his girlfriend from his mind.
   
   Why it's Great
   My favorite role for Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, this tells a story in reverse. Erasing the person you love from your mind is a pretty nifty way to get rid of them...until you decide that maybe it was the heat of the anger and you love them, even if you're not together.

The Worst

1. Closer
   Based on a play, this film uncovers the depressing double life of cheating and examining whether or not the person you're with actually loves you.
   
   Why it Sucks
   This film actually might make you feel better about your relationship. It's an interesting story, but it really brings out the worst in human beings which is not what you need right now, especially since you're already probably doubting the past.
2. The Break-Up
   In order to keep their apartment, a couple's (Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn) break up gets worse and worse.
   
   Why it Sucks
   This film pretended to be a comedy so audiences would want to watch us. Yet, it shows us everything we hate about break-ups and then some weird unrealistic terrible additional things this couple does to each other.
3. The Shape of Things
   Quiet, nerdy Adam (Paul Rudd) is entranced by art student with big ideas, Evelyn (Rachel Weisz). Yet their bizarre relationship threatens Adam's friendships with his best friends.
   
   Why it Sucks
   While at times boring and weird, this film actually does not suck. Still, you shouldn't watch it right after a break up. It makes you go back and re-examine your old relationships in a way you should only do long after you've distanced yourself from them.
4. SwingersI have never liked this movie. It magnifies everything I hate about the single life, the single person mentality (especially in the '90's), and the vulnerability that one goes through.
5. Now You Know
   This is about the calling off of an engagement. However, this film is extremely pessimistic about relationships and marriage in general. It was the first film I tried to watch after a break up, and I still can't go back and watch it. It's also not a very good movie.

Lost - Season 4

*SPOILERS EVERYWHERE* Don't read this post if you haven't seen Lost before. This is intended as a retrospective review from someone who has seen the show before, and so will not resonate as well or be particularly revealing for someone who hasn't.

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Sawyer

Sawyer is a character who, while always amusing, is generally predictable. You can always look to him to make up ridiculous nicknames, to show macho bravado, and to flirt incessantly with any woman who looks remotely attractive to him. He's the jerk with the heart of gold, the rogue with a past, the one who refuses to take any dangerous situation seriously. These traits define his character for much of the series, though one can definitely observe a change from think-for-your-selfer to defender of the group, like any good Han Solo.

But what I want to talk about here is how his relationship with Kate seems to change him. From day one, we know that Sawyer has the hots for her, but we're never given much of an impression that he would genuinely change himself in order to get her. Yes, he says that he loves her but, hell, so does everyone else on the island. More seriously, despite what he says in how much he cares for her, you're never really convinced that the two of them hooking up will make him become anything but what he appears to be: a charismatic, happy-go-lucky, independent philanderer.

However, this seems to change subtly in season 4. Presented with the opportunity to finally leave the island, Sawyer tells Kate that he's going to stay. What's more, Sawyer asks Kate to join him, to move in with him, and to make a life on the island together. Given the context, this is tantamount to a marriage proposal. Kate is unable to take the offer seriously, but Sawyer looks as serious as we've ever seen him. When she later spends the night with him halfway through the season, Sawyer is happy as can be, viewing it as her being close to taking up his offer to live together on the island, no matter what others say. But then he discovers that the truth is anything but. In a bittersweet scene, Sawyer tries to reason with Kate about what's bothering her, but fails to reach her (mainly because she's there to spy on Locke's group and has to manufacture an excuse to leave). I found this poignant because, of all people, Sawyer tries to solve a problem just like someone in a marriage or relationship would, by talking about what Kate really wants and how he can factor that into his own point of view.

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Why the change?

This isn't something I really noticed the first time I watched Lost, but Sawyer here genuinely tries to shape himself into something solid and lasting. Faced with the choice of the island or the real world, Sawyer chooses the island and, in that choice, it's as if he's decided to grow up. Instead of going with the flow of things, rejecting to look out for others, and following his own interests, Sawyer embraces as his own those who chose to stay on the island. And he tries to get the one person he truly loves, Kate, to be a part of this with him.

As for why, I think that Sawyer wised up. From conversations with Ben and others, Sawyer can see that what Kate wants is someone who is good at heart, caring, and selfless (like Jack). This shift in his goals and interests, this maturing, is what he believes Kate will stay for, and so he makes that change his number one objective. It's hard not to appreciate how much this says about the depth of his caring for her. It's frankly adorable, like watching a gruff hairy dog that never listens to you suddenly trot up to a cute dog, lick her, and quietly walk along beside her.

Dog analogies aside, I thought the change in Sawyer's character worthy of note. For a character defined by his independence, it was surprising to see him try to stretch as far as he could to sway Kate to spend the rest of her life with him. It doesn't work out for Kate and Sawyer in the end, but it is the first change we see of what results in him becoming a responsible leader of all the others remaining on the island after the main survivors split off.

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Desmond Hume

I actually don't plan on writing much about Desmond himself here so much as I want to point out why it is that he's everyone's favorite character. The funniest part is that the reason for this is because the writers failed. They tried to write him a certain way, but screwed up. The result is to ironically make him better than he would have been if he had 'worked as intended'.

Lost is defined by showing us characters who are inherently flawed. Nobody is perfect. The average character of the show is a person who tries to do good but is prevented from easily doing so by a crippling imperfection, usually deriving from a past experience. Here are some examples:

• Jack – Great, determined, good leader. Doesn't know when to quit, hates leading, and cries a lot.
• Locke – Capable, caring. Rejects the status quo if it doesn't have something he is driving towards. Needs lessons in anger management.
• Jin – Entertaining. Resolved to do the right thing. Occasionally forgets that he can be a good husband.
• Sayid – Great guy. Has trouble not torturing people.
• Charlie – Cool dude. Drug addict.
• Claire – Cute with baby. Unspeakably annoying.
• Hurley – Adorable heart of the group. Technically useless.
• Vincent – Dog. Never around.
• Michael – WAAAAAALT!

I could come up with more, but the point is that every character has at least one clearly negative trait that prevents them from being fully admirable.

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Pictured: Vincent, who tragically never gets his own episode

But what about Desmond? What makes Desmond an exception (and a writing failure) is that the audience is informed that Desmond's weakness is that he is a coward, but he is clearly anything but. There is nothing this guy does that doesn't reek of courage. When Locke flips out because he messed up the hatch, Desmond takes charge and risks his life to save everyone on the island. When Desmond receives visions of Charlie dying, he goes out of his way to stop fate itself from succeeding. When presented with the fact that the love of his life is out in the real world and far away from the island, he does everything within his power to reunite them both while simultaneously saving everyone he can.

Even in moments where we are supposed to view him as a cowardly failure, we see him as anything but. Any scene he has with Charles Widmore is indicative of this; Widmore tells Desmond why he's useless and Desmond stands up to him and refuses to say the same. When Widmore tells Desmond that he isn't worthy of marrying Penny, Desmond completely ignores him. If this is cowardice then how are we supposed to tell when Desmond is being courageous??

This is why I say that the writers failed. Unlike the other characters, whose flaws we can visibly see, we are simply told that Desmond is a coward but not given any actual evidence. It's like George Lucas telling you that Darth Vader is intended to be a super cuddly nice guy and then him putting you in a chair to watch Star Wars for the first time; it just doesn't make sense! Consequently, because Desmond is arguably the only character in the show without a genuine flaw, he becomes everyone's favorite guy, the character you can always root for, with an epic romantic odyssey besides.

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Conclusion

I have less to say about how the overall story of season 4 progressed because it was relatively short and wasn't objectionable. Well, let me correct that: everything that happened on the island was pretty cool. We see Jack's camp versus Locke's camp, the warring factions of Ben's Others versus Widmore's freighter mercenaries, and we start to see interesting manipulations of the island's supernatural side-effects, such as time travel.

By contrast, everything that happens in flash-forwards was a pain in my ass. Seriously, if it had been less of a chore, I might have skipped these scenes. It isn't necessarily because the events within them are uninteresting, it's because the characters themselves moan endlessly about how we should go back to the island, just like I am. This show is based on weird stuff happening on the island, so why the hell are we off it? Flashbacks are one thing, but to have actual plot occur off-island when the real important stuff is what happens on it made it feel like a depressing waste of time. It also features Jack at his most annoying (beardy alcoholic).

On the bright side, I'm really looking forward to season 5 because, flash-forwards aside, I want to see the progression in Sawyer and Juliet (who was ridiculously hard to write about and pin down, if you couldn't tell). More to come soon!

Lost - Seasons 1 and 2

This is not your conventional review. I say that because I've seen Lost before, all of this is familiar to me. But I haven't seen it knowing what I know now, learning everything that happens in the final season of the show. Lost is much like a mystery; it is full of sudden surprising reveals that cast everything you've seen before into doubt, or into a new light. Some of these are epic. Others are shit. But, for lack of another show to passionately watch many episodes of back-to-back, I thought I'd return to one that I have a very strong affection for, and to see how it was on a return viewing.

This will be rife with spoilers.

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The Rise and Fall of John Locke

Man, do I feel sorry for this guy. Unfortunately, Locke is a character who was built up into a mystic old man capable of leading everyone to salvation, and then replaced with one who is tired, embittered, and ultimately killed off so that the ultimate big bad could adopt his form like some fucked up body suit. I watched seasons 1 and 2 again wishing I didn't know this. After all, Locke at the beginning is just so awesome and inspirational. He gets Charlie off of his heroin addiction, he helps Jack resolve some of his father issues while simultaneously teaching him lessons on what it takes to be a leader, he motivates Boone to separate himself from the unhealthy relationship he has with his sister, teaching him that being his own man is something desirable and ultimately within his grasp. Locke (at first) has all the promise of an island Obi-Wan Kenobi, the kindly old man who teaches you something crucial about life before vanishing mysteriously into the wilderness.

I miss that Locke. Instead, what I watched (knowing what I know) was a borderline delusional old man seeking some purpose out of life that is ultimately ephemeral for him. Season 1 Locke finds purpose in helping others through their problems, but he then fails to learn that this can be an end in itself. Instead, he begins to fixate on how the island has nominated him for some undefined greater purpose, believing in this so utterly that he starts to forget that he cares for the people around him. As season 2 ends, we find him in the hatch, everything crumbling all around him, endangering everyone on the island, with a terrified expression on his face. “I was wrong,” he says. This moment is indicative of everything he does from here on out.

Locke has always been one of the most interesting characters in the show for me, but I found watching him at his best to be far more bittersweet now that I know what happens to him in the end.

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Born to Run

As is infamous among anyone who knows me, I've always had a loathing of the character, Kate Austen. It wasn't that she was necessarily annoying to watch (Claire wins the award of most annoying female character), it was that her love triangle with Jack and Sawyer DOMINATES the show. Tvtropes would call this a Romantic Plot Tumor. By this logic, I should hate Jack and Sawyer too, but I don't. The fact remains that, due to Kate's perpetual inability to commit to anything, she acts like a ditzy, scatterbrained moron, flip-flopping wildly between the two men, driving pretty much every other character and the audience to insanity.

This time around, though, I... *sigh*... I kinda liked her.

The thing is that, in paying closer attention to her character and trying especially hard to empathize with her, it finally clicked. Yes, her back-and-forth was still a little aggravating. But I connected more with her psychology. With Jack, it makes sense (from her backstory and personality) that Kate would be attracted to him as a pinnacle of goodness that she strives for but has never been able to fully reach. It made sense that she would want to simultaneously flee from that because of her history of inevitably hurting those good people who get close to her. With Sawyer, it makes sense that she'd be attracted to him as another renegade with experiences similar to her own. And with him, it also made sense that she would be skittish about committing his way. Kate wants to be something more (like Jack) than what she perceives herself to be (equivalent to Sawyer). And so, as we see later on, she only seems to decide on Sawyer when she feels divorced from everything else, or when she's going through a bout of self-loathing.

I don't know how easy that was to follow, but the short of it is that I suddenly found Kate intensely interesting to watch. Her personality is so rife with paradoxes and opposite desires that, if you can see what is going on with her, it becomes easy to empathize with her struggle. People have passions that conflict with reality. Everyone has an aspiration of who they want to be struggling against what they know as truth. In that sense, Kate becomes a mirror of humanity, a reflection of our dichotomy of wants and needs.

Damn, that's heavy stuff.

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This, while having nothing to do with what I'm talking about, is awesome

Differences in Quality

Other than those characters, the other thing I noticed about seasons 1 and 2 is how many more good episodes are in the former versus the latter. I thought about it for a while and then I figured out what it was. It's all in how the story is shown to us.

In the first season, we are introduced to Lost's now famous method of inserting character-centric flashbacks into every episode. This continues on throughout the entire series, though later on it starts to get silly tricky with flash-forwards, flash-sideways, and all sorts of crazy bullshit. But season 1 & 2 are flashback only. Yet one is better than the other.

What I found was that season 1 did a much better job of tying the flashbacks of the character-of-the-episode into what is happening on the island. Jack gets flashbacks of how his father's dominance and cynicism consumed his childhood; we see him overcome these issues in a cathartic odyssey through the jungle. Sun gets flashbacks of the difficulty of her marriage with Jin; we see her reenact similar problems with him on the island and then ultimately reaffirm their love together at the end.

By contrast, by season 2 we get flashbacks that have, at most, a distant relation to what is happening on the island. For example, with Mr. Eko we get flashbacks of how he became the scary, intense guy he is today, but it doesn't have that strong of a connection with anything that happens on the island. It's like watching another TV show and then being given a biography of one of the characters to read during commercial breaks. It could be interesting, but isn't altogether relevant to what's happening in the show, and so makes it harder to get into the episode as much as you could if it were more concise. It's distracting. As any Lost veteran knows, the best episodes are the ones where the flashbacks and the main plot are seamlessly woven together into something that keeps your attention solidly focused on one point throughout.

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Conclusion

It's also worth noting that (with season 2) the hatch takes us from the novelty of having the show on a tropical island, and forces us into a small, enclosed location where even the characters are frustrated by how not much happens. It is part of the challenge for them, but it is also a test of patience for the audience themselves.

Rewatching Lost like this has been interesting, and I'll undoubtedly have more thoughts to come as I continue to delve through it (as I get time). More to come later!

5 Movies I Hate That Everyone Else Loves

Because of my tendency towards lengthiness, I chose FIVE movies to rage on instead of DionysusPsyche's ten. See the other ones I would have chosen at the end!

This movie needs to wash itself with that soap. Badly.

1. Fight Club

There are not words enough for how much I loathe this movie that everyone else seems so enamored of. Oh, you like a macabre symphony of violence? Didn't you just love that part where Edward Norton mashes some guy's face into a grotesque soupy mess of shattered bone shards and meat? Let's all get a hobby that involves breaking each other's bones and beating each other bloody! No, better yet, let's reject society so thoroughly that we regard life as a joke, other people as members of 'the machine', and embrace a brotherhood of sadomasochism! No... We can do better than that! Let's make a goddamn anarchy club whose only purpose is to brainwash members of our cult of brutality so that we may blow shit up and make a mockery of everything, everywhere!

Man, fuck this movie. This movie is a Nietzschean nightmare, reveling in the apparent pointlessness of life.

Now I won't deny that this movie had a clever premise: revealing that Brad Pitt and Edward Norton's character were the same was an impressive twist that calls everything prior in the movie into doubt. But the vehicle bringing us this story is such a repulsive mess that it killed any interest I had in the movie, genuinely angering me that people even like it at all. It's one thing to encourage a rejection of materialism. It's something else to encourage such a disgusting bloodsport, to lure people into it and then turn them into worker drones for some anarchic new world order. Yes, I know that Edward Norton's 'character' rejects it in the end, but it still comes out pretty obvious that Brad Pitt's Tyler Durden won in the end, and that everything that I've described as so awful is perpetuated and has come to pass.

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Otherwise known as: "I Need To Pee But The Movie Won't F***ing End".

2. Lord of the Rings – Return of the King

Surprised to see this one, I bet! Now let me clarify: I think hate might be too strong a word for this. But I found it completely astonishing how many people claimed to love this final movie. The first two achieved this mastery of making Middle Earth this place where hope exists, but it is drifting away much like the migration of the Elves to the west. We experience the loss of the main characters as Gandalf is overcome, Boromir dies, and the fellowship crumbles. Then we meet those of Rohan, who are noble but in a land about to be swallowed in darkness, under the “TENS OF THOUSANDS” of Uruk-hai bootheels. The main characters are capable, but not all-powerful, and it is only through the barest of victories do they get out in one piece.

Return of the King has Legolas soloing an elephant. It has Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas basically surfing on a waterfall of human skulls. It has the Army of the Dead utterly curb-stomp what is supposed to be the biggest evil army we ever see (a deus ex machina if there ever was one). Clearly, a big problem of mine is that Return of the King embraces the cheesy factor to an extent not before seen in the previous movies. Also, there's just the fact that the other movies are simply superior. For example, we really felt for the people of Rohan. We identify with their king, we feel for Eowyn, Eomer, and their warriors. We don't feel the same about the people of Gondor, who spend most of their screentime being fatalists, running for cover, and with their morale breaking in just about every scene. We don't have anyone Gondorian to really identify with. Denethor is basically the villain for the first half of the movie, and Faramir is out of commission faster than we can blink (and that doesn't even get into how he was basically a villain for the second half of the second movie). There just isn't as much for us to get into in this movie, the threat of Sauron being put on such a melodramatic scale that you lose much of the human connection, both to the characters and the people they fight for.

Last but not least, don't forget the ending. You probably can't, even if you wanted to. That's time you'll never get back.

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Further proof that movies with bowling still suck.

3. The Big Lebowski

I've tried to watch this movie going on four times and I still have yet to finish it. So I'll be brief. I'm not the biggest fan of the Coen Brothers. Their humor is quirky and, for me, it only occasionally hits the mark. A movie about slackers who spend all their time bowling? Who somehow become embroiled in some... what was it? A theft or a heist plot? I don't remember if they actually get stoned, but pretty much everyone seems stoned out of their minds for the entirety of what I saw. It just was boring, amusing only barely by lieu of the stupid and random things that happen. I think I've turned it off every time in that part (was it a dream sequence?) where Jeff Bridges is somehow flying over the city lights. Something about it just saps at my will to live. Every time I try.

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Does this even look like a movie worth watching?

4. Napoleon Dynamite

Speaking of semi-retarded slackers, this here is their crown jewel. This movie does its damnedest to be as agonizingly bland as possible, and yet people dig it. It's about two thoroughly uninteresting people who live in the middle of nowhere and do nothing important. They make lame jokes. One of them runs for school president or something. There's that famous dance routine which, to a novice like me, seems like a celebration of awful, awful dancing. Seriously? What happened in this movie? Why do people like it again? It's only redeeming quality seems to be that it succeeded brilliantly in making me feel as brainless as the two main characters.

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Look at all that praise! Look at all those sycophants!

5. The Social Network

The funniest thing about this movie for me is that it somehow won an Oscar for its soundtrack. I've seen it twice, and I genuinely can't remember ANY soundtrack at all. This is a minor point, but it is something that repeatedly shocks me. How does a movie win an award for a soundtrack so understated and forgettable that, even when I was listening for it, I couldn't remember it?

More seriously, this movie is energetic fluff. It tries so damn hard to be this stylistic new genre that it completely fails to say anything interesting. Hell, apparently most of it isn't even true. The moral of this story apparently is that being a colossal opportunistic prick makes you a wildly successful millionaire. Oh, let's encourage that one, why don't we? And then there were all those damn news stories trying to 'harness the genius potential' of Mark Zuckerberg. Why do we support this crap? This is why this movie pisses me off. Apparently, to be successful you must network well and then shit all over the people who brought you up. Fan-fucking-tastic.

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This is why I try and write reviews about things I love. Sorry everyone! :)

Runner ups: Kill Bill, Spirited Away, Ratatouille, The Hurt Locker, Zoolander, The Expendables.