Written by Joe the Revelator
My Fellow Americans,
I come before you humbled by the task we now confront; of rebuilding this great nation, after the most monumental disaster we've faced this century.
Blame will not be assigned. Fingers will not be pointed. Our scientists, as well as other academic institutions from around the world, were in concert that our world would end on December the 21st, of 2012. This was not disputed.
Now I ask that we join hands, in mutual forgiveness and in prayer.
Let today be a new, proud day for all of America. A day when slates are wiped clean. And a full, global pardon will be issued for any and all crimes committed on the 21st of December. Let us put yesterday's mistakes in the past.
For those capable of returning to work, to your families, and to your homes, I beg you to do so. For those of you who are not crippled by end-of-the-world hangovers, those not trapped under stolen sports cars - wrapped up in highway guardrails or waiting for the response teams to free you from several tons of flaming steel wreckage - please continue to support the America we've come to know and love.
As I gaze out on the White House lawn today I see a magnitude of hope in the eyes of my countrymen, standing among the bits of a downed passenger plane that plummeted from the sky last night whilst joy-riding, and the vast field of plastic, red solo cups, sticky with beer. I see beyond the soggy TP'd trees and toppled news stands, and the naked vagrants who have yet to wake from their drunken slumber, and those who may never waken. I look beyond the folly of our predictions, and I see a promise. The promise of a new, bright future, built upon the rubble we've amassed after one night of wanton, cathartic debauchery.
And I stand before you not without blame - I myself was found earlier this very morning, unconscious behind the wheel of a stolen police cruiser, in the ladies' department of a Walmart. Likewise, my running-mate of this last month was arrested when his migrant workers reported him for forcing two of their staff to fight to the death, firing pistols at their feet like a "Bandito", as they claim, to motivate them. Without condoning or condemning his actions, I say to him; "Welcome to the New America."
We have a lot of tough times ahead of us. And the national debt, which was daunting before, may seem like a beast of impossible size once we've received the cleaning bill. But there's nothing for it but to roll up our sleeves, chase away the rummy blur with a triple-shot of gumption, and get back to work on making this great nation the best it can be.
Note: Sorry I haven't posted in a while guys, been a little busy. Figured I'd do a little speech with my prediction of how the end of the world will turn out. Well, actually, the "morning after". Next time I'll be back with a review - Joe.