Monday, July 25, 2011

Drive Angry

Written by Joe the Revelator

I really don't know what to think about Nick Cage anymore. He seems desperate to star in every oddball hero role available, managing to nail a winner every 1 in 10 movies. His last one was Kickass.

But it's too easy and too cliche these days to complain about Nick Cage. Though describing Drive Angry without comparing it to Cage's earlier work may be impossible. Ghostrider and Gone in 60 Seconds have been blended, not seamlessly, into an hour and a half of car chasing, gun fighting, leather boot kicking, down-south-drawling debacle. One that amps up the level of ridiculous whenever it feels in danger of not being taken seriously.

Gunfight Orgasm:

Nick Cage, (I'm not going to use the character's name, because it's simply Nick Cage) is a demon from hell who manages to escape the fiery gates by driving away in a classic muscle car (Take that Paradise Lost!) on a mission to save a baby from being sacrificed by a deranged cult leader with a mutilated penis. He's armed with the mythical revolver called the God Killer, as well as his love for autos, his gravelly voice, and his uncanny sexual appeal to barmaids.

The demon on the run is teamed up with a seemingly-independent Generic Blonde #35, who has recently broken up with her bald, brawny, trailer trash woman-beating fiance. Together they tackle such difficulties as forcing witty conversation at the bar and making sex seem like an alien novelty. During one memorable scene, Nick Cage has a bloody shootout in his hotel room with a woman still connected to his hips, whom he releases only after the last thug has hit the floor.

I wish I was making all this up, but this really is the plot. I imagine Drive Angry being targeted by future incarnations of Mystery Science Theater, if it wasn't already doomed to obscurity in the next few minutes.

The only light in this movie, aside from the whole mess being easy to laugh at, comes from actor William Fichtner , who has played "That Guy" roles in Armageddon, Prison Break, and Entourage. He pops up throughout the film as Satan's bookkeeper, always on Cage's tail, and shows no compunction over murdering people with a bored look in his face. His subtle villainy and idiosyncratic ticks give him an otherworldly strangeness, and he manages to steal every scene he's in, which may not be hard considering the cast and the writing.

Hell can wait.

Given the length of the movie and the lobotomized action, I would recommend Drive Angry if you're a long time fan of WWE and think 4th of July sparklers are AWSOME. Or if you're trapped in a closet with a portable DvD player and a bottle of vodka. Otherwise, watching it for Fichtner's quirky behavior just isn't worth the wait. Do yourself a favor and look up the "Hydrogen Truck" scene on Youtube, the one that's accompanied by the KC & The Sunshine Band's: That's the Way I Like It.


  1. Haha, this one cracked me up. I've been trying to avoid watching any of the bazillion of terrible looking movies Nick Cage has been involved in, but they have an odd temptation of their own, no? I still have a bizarre hankering to watch The Sorcerer's Apprentice because the idea of Nick Cage as a wizard is hilarious. But I must resist... losing brain cells...!

  2. You're right. Nick Cage needs to start picking roles better suited to his age. This review made me laugh a lot. I especially enjoyed the last part regarding trapped in the closet with vodka and a portable dvd player.